(narrator) CBS presents this program in color.

(applauding) I, uh, just didn't have anything to do so I... running around there in the parking lot and I just wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, I guess Santy's brought you some goodies already.

(applauding) All right.

(applauding) This is kind of a question and answer period.

Do you have any questions?

Don't be afraid.

Oh my gosh.

-Any ques--Yes?

-How old are you?

(laughing) (John) Physically, 42.

Mentally, about six.

-Yeah?

-What's your honest opinion -of the star of this show?

-My honest opinion?

-Yeah, Carol Burnett.

-The star of this show?

(chuckling) What--what is your name, sir?

-Don't be afraid, huh?

-I'd like to hear the truth.

(John) Well, I wish I could be humble.

Oh, kind of, you know, ex bad boy type of thing, you know.

That's about it really.

-Yes?

-Ah, John, I just... (John) Carol, what are you doing here, sweetheart?

You've got your Christmas outfit on.

-Dah-dah-dah.

-I just wanted to uh--- -John?

-What is it, dear?

(Carol) You know, you're not on for two nights.

This isn't your show, you ding-a-ling.

You're on Wednesday night, John.

(John) I was drinking coco all day.

(laughing) I'm sorry but Carol, what can I tell yah?

That's right it's Wednesday night.

(Carol) Wednesday night John's show premieres so be sure and watch.

(applauding) -Don't forget, December 27th.

-Thank you, dear.

(Carol) Get out of here, John.

(John) I'm gonna grab and-- no!

(applauding) -Any questions?

-What were your first words when you heard you made LA Times Women of the Year?

(Carol) Uh, that I was going to subscribe.

(laughing) (applauding) -Thank you.

Yeah?

-How do you account -for your girlish figure?

-I love you.

Usually, it's how do you account for your boyish figure?

I account for it because really, our costume designer is a master of deception.

I'd like to tell you about our show tonight.

Two of my very favorite people are on.

Mr. Sid Caesar and Ms. Ella Fitzgerald are with us this evening.

Don't go away, we'll be right back.

(jazzy music) ♪ (applauding) ♪ (Lyle) From Television City in Hollywood, it's The Carol Burnett Show.

Brought to you by Proctor and Gamble's new Cinch with the extra strong grease cutter, CK4.

The spray cleaner for even the toughest dirt and grime.

Cinch.

You know, with crime in the streets on the rise the time has come for all women to learn the basics of self-defense.

Tonight is a public service, we have with us one of the world's leading experts in the art of self-defense.

Here is Professor Ludwig Von Stranglehold.

(trumpet music) ♪ (applauding) Good to see you, Professor.

Tell me, Professor, how important is physical conditioning in mastering the art -of self-defense.

-Well, may I say, without physical conditioning you can forget it.

You have to be in top physical condition.

Like, you take a look at me.

I am in perfect condition all over.

Here, you see that?

You know what it is?

-Well, that's a hand.

-Wrong.

-That's a deadly weapon.

-Really?

(Professor) I have to have a license for that.

-Oh.

-See?

Because that--that I could smash a woman--Bang!

-Just like this here.

-A woman?

(Professor) A woman and a butterfly.

Bang!

Bang!

-One, two, three.

-Well, what about a man?

(Professor) A butterfly is better.

Bang!

-Butterfly goes bang, smash.

-Oh, gee.

Well, how do you stay in such splendid condition?

(Professor) Well, I go to bed every night, 7:30.

I don't drink.

I don't smoke -and I don't go with women.

-Is that why you're so strong?

(Professor) That's why I'm so crazy too, yeah.

(Carol) Tell me, are you on any special diet?

(Professor) Yes, I have a special diet where I have just one meal a day.

One meal, it's called 300 calories and that's all.

(Carol) You're kidding.

Only one meal a day?

(Professor) One meal a day but you have to get a lot of rest.

(Carol) Oh, I see.

Well, how does that work?

-I faint a lot.

-Oh.

Professor, is there one basic concept-- one basic concept you can teach women -as far as self-defense goes?

-Self-defense?

-Yes.

Mhm.

-Now they're going to listen to (mumbles)-- Yes!

(laughing) -Self-defense, right?

-Yes.

(Professor) The one basic primeval, basic thing that a woman must learn to have, for self-defense, -is that there is no pain.

-No pain.

(Professor) No matter how hard you get hit or smashed -there is no pain.

-But how can a person avoid having pain if they're smashed?

-I don't understand.

-No-- (laughing) If you're smashed you don't feel no pain, right.

(Carol) I mean, the other kind of smashing, if you're hurt.

-That's what I mean.

-Oh, if you're hurt?

That yeah, because the other kind you don't feel no pain anyway.

Well, if you really get hurt you gotta say to yourself, in your brain, you just gotta say, "That's it!

There is no pain."

I'll give you a for instance.

For instance, you walk along the street.

Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum.

All of a sudden you get a clock.

Thunk!

Keep your mouth shut.

Don't say a word.

Not a peep, nothing.

-You mean, don't say "Ouch?"

-Don't say "Ouch," nothing and then the brain doesn't know what's going on and you don't have any pain.

That's the whole trick.

That's all.

Unfortunately, a lot of people they walk around like this.

Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum and all of a sudden they get a clock--Bang!

Then they go "Ow!"

Then the brain says, "Hey, what was that?"

Looks out through the eyes and says, "Hey, we've been hit.

Send down pain, send down swelling, send down black and blue mark, everybody get excited.

We've got pain going on here!"

-And that's it.

-Can you really do that though?

-Mind over matter.

-It's not only mind over matter, it's mind over pain and matter.

I'll show you.

I'll give you--I'll give you a regular for instance.

You P-U-N-C-H me right here, as hard as you want.

-You mean, you want me to-- -Don't say the word!

Just P-U-N-C-H me there, as hard as you want.

-Go ahead.

-But I might hurt you.

-Wouldn't I?

-Don't worry about it.

-Go ahead.

-Okay.

Ugh!

(laughing) Gee, Professor, I really--I hit you pretty hard.

I hope you're all right.

(laughing) Isn't that amazing!

Because you didn't say "ouch" and your brain isn't letting that get to your stomach and the message is working and you're just going along like that... (laughing) I think that's just marvelous how you do that.

The power of mind over matter.

And actually, you know, I P-U-N-C-H-E-D you pretty hard and you're not even--that's just amazing, Professor.

-You're turning a strange color.

-I'll be all right in a couple of minutes, I'll be fine.

(Carol) Maybe, maybe you should breathe out.

(Professor) I'll breathe in, out or sideways.

I'm not very proud now, I'll take any kind of air.

(Carol) You know, maybe it'd be better if you could try -to move your diaphragm.

-It's been moved, that's why... (coughing) It's not your fault.

I think it's my brain is starting to read, that's all.

That's all right.

That's all right.

-I don't mind.

-Professor.

Professor?

-Yes?

-Getting back to self-defense, is there anything else you can show our women viewers -in particular.

-Yes, there is something I will start with, now there's a common situation that goes on a lot.

Especially in the cities where there's parks.

A woman walks through the park and right away there's a mugger, right?

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

-Now I'll show you how the mugger go.

Now you make believe you're a woman and you walk up and down in front of me.

(laughing) -I'm in the park now, right.

-That's right and you're walking up and down.

Nobody's going to touch you.

-Never in a million years.

-How come?

-What am I doing wrong?

-They'll get you nickel and say go ahead, grab a coffee.

That's what it is.

You're a woman!

You've gotta walk like a woman.

-Well how?

-A woman is a woman-- you walk like this here and just like this.

-That's a woman--try it again.

-How's this?

(Professor) Boy!

Look at that, see?

Boy, you would be so busy being mugged you would have no time for nothing else.

(Carol) Well, what happens then?

What do I do if I'm mugged?

(Professor) Well, see, now you have to know, if you are mugged, the first hold they go for is a stranglehold, a headlock.

You know, now I will teach you how to get out of that.

-Okay.

-All right.

Now you get me in a headlock and I'll show you how to get out of it.

(Carol) Okay, I'm pretending I'm the mugger.

-You're the mugger.

-Okay, in a headlock.

(Professor) You've got it, okay.

You got it, okay, a good strong hold and I'll show you I get right out of it like boom!

-Harder than that?

-Yeah, you're going -to get harder?

Okay.

-How's that, is that better?

(Professor) That's good, now you've got a good strong hold.

-That's better.

-And you can break this?

(Professor) Don't worry about.

I'm going to get right out of this.

-I can do it even harder?

-You can do it harder?

-Yeah.

-That's wonderful.

-Like that.

That better?

-That's nice.

Get a good hold on.

Get a good belt.

-I got yah.

-You get a good hold there.

-Yeah, now you can break that?

-Oh, I'm gonna in a second.

-You won't hurt me, right?

-No, don't worry about that.

I'm going to get out of this in a second.

(Carol) Okay.

(laughing) -You've got a good hold here.

-Yes, I know.

-Ugh, there we go.

-That's good.

Get a good grip now and don't be surprised when I get out.

-Oh, I won't.

-Because it's going to be -such a flash.

-Okay.

Anytime.

-Now watch out now.

-Mhm.

(laughing) -Professor, are you all right?

-You see how I got out?

(applauding) ♪ I can't think of anything nicer to wish you a Merry Christmas with than our guest tonight.

The great Miss Ela Fitzgerald.

(applauding) (mellow jazz music) ♪ (Ella Fitzgerald) ♪ I was a stranger in the city ♪ ♪ Out of town were the people I knew ♪ ♪ ♪ I had this feeling of self-pity ♪ ♪ What to do, what to do, what to do ♪ ♪ The outlook was decidedly blue ♪ ♪ But as I walked through the foggy streets alone ♪ ♪ It turned out to be ♪ ♪ The luckiest day I've known ♪ ♪ ♪ A foggy day in London town ♪ ♪ Had me low ♪ ♪ Had me down ♪ ♪ I viewed the morning with alarm ♪ ♪ The British Museum had lost its charms ♪ ♪ How long I wondered ♪ ♪ Could this thing last ♪ ♪ But the age of miracles hadn't passed ♪ ♪ For suddenly ♪ ♪ I saw you there ♪ ♪ And in foggy London town ♪ ♪ The sun was shining everywhere ♪ ♪ ♪ Da-da-dee-dah ♪ ♪ ♪ Boop-boop-dee ♪ ♪ ♪ For suddenly, I saw you there ♪ ♪ And through foggy London town ♪ ♪ The sun was shining ♪ ♪ Everywhere ♪ ♪ ♪ Everywhere ♪ ♪ ♪ Everywhere ♪ ♪ Everywhere ♪♪ (applauding) (piano music) ♪ ♪ I know a boy, my favorite gent ♪ ♪ He gives me joy but not a cent ♪ ♪ I could never love a lad more ♪ ♪ Yet to be frank ♪ ♪ I'd be happier if he had more cash in the bank ♪ ♪ ♪ Each time we try romantic flights ♪ ♪ He begs for my exclusive rights ♪ ♪ My reaction is to give in ♪ ♪ But the rising cost of living ♪ ♪ Fills my heart with fear ♪ ♪ So I always say to him, listen dear ♪ ♪ If a custom tailored vet ♪ ♪ Asks me out for something wet ♪ ♪ Vet begins to pet, I cry, hooray!

♪ ♪ I'm always true to you, darling, in my fashion ♪ ♪ Yes, I'm always true to you, darling, in my way ♪ ♪ I've been asked to have a meal ♪ ♪ By the big tycoon in steel ♪ ♪ And the meal includes a deal ♪ ♪ Accept I may ♪ ♪ Cause I'm always true to you, darling, in my fashion ♪ ♪ I'm always true to you, darling, in my way ♪ ♪ There's an oil man known as Tex ♪ ♪ Who is keen to give me checks ♪ ♪ And if checks is Tex, well Tex is here to stay ♪ ♪ But I'm always true to you, darling, in my fashion ♪ ♪ Yes, I'm always true to you, darling, in my way ♪ ♪ ♪ In Ohio, Mister Thorn ♪ ♪ Calls me up from night till morn ♪ ♪ Mister Thorn invented corn ♪ ♪ And that ain't hay, hay, hay, hay ♪ ♪ But I'm always true to you, darling, in my fashion ♪ ♪ I'm always true to you, darling, in my way ♪ ♪ In Milwaukee, Mister Fritz invited me to the Ritz ♪ ♪ Mister Fritz invited Schlitz ♪ ♪ And Schlitz must pay ♪ ♪ But I'm always true to you, darling, in my fashion ♪ ♪ I'm always true to you, darling, in my way ♪ ♪ Mister Harris Plutocrat ♪ ♪ Wants to give my cheek a pat ♪ ♪ If the Harris pat means a Paris hat ♪ ♪ Baby ♪ ♪ But I'm always true to you, darling, in my fashion ♪ ♪ I'm always true to you, darling, in my way ♪ ♪ Loving's here and everywhere ♪ ♪ I'm going to buy a flower for my hair ♪ ♪ Looking at the young generation ♪ ♪ Looking for a new sensation ♪ ♪ But I'll be true ♪ ♪ To you ♪ ♪ To you ♪ ♪ In my way ♪ ♪ In my way ♪ ♪ In my way ♪ ♪ To you ♪♪ (applauding) For every Christmas season that I can remember, there has been a Walt Disney film to delight both young and old alike.

This year, it's a movie entitled The Jungle Book.

The last motion picture personally supervised by the late Walt Disney.

So here's our Christmas present to all the young in heart, Carol and three friends from The Jungle Book to sing the hit song from that picture.

Bare Necessities.

(Drum beat music) ♪ (Carol singing) ♪ Look for the bare necessities ♪ ♪ The simple bare necessities ♪ ♪ Forget about your worries and your strife ♪ ♪ I mean the bare necessities ♪ ♪ Our Mother Nature's recipes ♪ ♪ That brings the bare necessities of life ♪ ♪ ♪ Wherever I wander, wherever I roam ♪ ♪ I couldn't be fonder of my big home ♪ ♪ The bees are buzzing in the tree ♪ ♪ To make some honey just for me ♪ ♪ And you look under the rocks and plants ♪ ♪ And take a glance at the fancy ants ♪ (singing in unison) ♪ Then maybe try a few ♪ (Carol singing) ♪ The bare necessities of life will come to you ♪ ♪ They'll come to you ♪ ♪ (monkey hooting) ♪ (monkey hooting) ♪ (elephant trumpeting) ♪ (applauding) (singing in unison) ♪ Look for the bare necessities ♪ ♪ The simple bare necessities ♪ ♪ Forget about your worries and your strife ♪ (male singer) ♪ I mean the bare necessities ♪ ♪ That's why a bear can rest at ease ♪ ♪ With just the bare necessities of life ♪ (Carol singing) ♪ When you pick a pawpaw or a prickly pear ♪ ♪ And you prick a raw paw next time beware ♪ ♪ Don't pick a prickly pear by paw ♪ ♪ When you pick a pear try to use the claw ♪ (singing in unison) ♪ But you don't need to use the claw ♪ ♪ When you pick a pear of the big pawpaw ♪ (Carol singing) ♪ Have I given you a clue ♪ (monkey hooting) (singing in unison ) ♪ The bare necessities of life will come to you ♪ ♪ (Carol singing) ♪ Just try to relax ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah, in my backyard ♪ ♪ If you act like that bee acts ♪ ♪ You're working too hard ♪ ♪ (singing in unison) ♪ Look for the bare necessities ♪ ♪ The simple bare necessities ♪ ♪ Forget about your worries and your strife ♪ ♪ I mean the bare necessities ♪ ♪ Our Mother Nature's recipes ♪ (Carol singing) ♪ That bring the bare necessities ♪ ♪ ♪ That brings the bare necessities ♪ ♪ (singing in unison) ♪ That brings the bare necessities of life ♪♪ (applauding) (Lyle) Stay tuned now for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

Right after Station Identification.

And now back to the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

(lively music) ♪ (Lilian) Well, honey, both the kids are finally asleep.

(Harry) Oh, that's great.

What a day, huh?

I've--I've seen some Christmases but this was some Christmas, -it really was, you know.

-It sure was.

You know, Suzie went to bed in her Minnie pajamas and her boots.

I think our little girl's going to be a real knock out.

(Harry) Well, if she keeps on like her mother.

(Lilian) Aw, Harry!

Oh and did you see the look on Johnny's face when he opened the box and saw the trains?

-Did I see it?

-Oh.

(Harry) When he opened the box and I saw him look at the trains, I saw the look on his face, for a minute there, I was going to cry.

-I was too.

-I really was, you know?

You know, he took his trains to bed with him?

(Harry) I hope he didn't fall asleep across the tracks.

(laughing) (Lilian) Harry!

It sure was a lovely day.

(Harry) Yeah, it was a lovely day.

You know, it was like just perfect, you know.

Remember that big fight we had last Christmas?

It was a big knock down, dragged out fight.

(Lilian) Oh, how could I forget.

We still weren't talking New Years Eve.

-Remember that?

-Yeah, remember that.

(Lilian) Come 12 o'clock I had to kiss your mother.

(chuckling) (laughing) (Harry) What's so, uh, bad about kissing my mother?

(Lilian) Well, now, Harry, sweetheart.

Look, every year, every Christmas night we have a fight.

Right, now I want this year to be different, okay?

(Harry) You're right.

We had a wonderful day.

Everything was perfect, you know.

I liked the part about getting up early, you know.

-Oh, yeah.

-And then opening up -the presents.

-Yeah.

(Harry) Going to my mothers.

(laughing) Going to my mothers.

I heard one "yeah" then two "yeahs" and on the third "yeah" I didn't hear a "yeah."

(Lilian) That's cause I didn't give a "yeah."

(Harry) Oh, you don't give a "yeah?"

(Lilian) Look, Harry, I happen to be one of those women who tries to like her mother-in-law.

It's just that on Christmas she treats you like a baby.

(Harry) Look, the woman is getting on her years, just because she dresses up like Santa Claus -is no reason to put her down.

-That's not the part I mind.

The part I mind is when she makes you sit on her lap!

-Well, I'm her baby, aren't I?

-Well, we have two children.

-She don't know that.

-Well, when is your mother going to realize that you're a married man!

(Harry) I haven't told her yet!

You have to break her those things easy.

(Lilian) Well, just who does she think I am?

(Harry) She thinks you're my kid sister.

-You don't have a kid sister.

-She don't know that!

(laughing) (Lilian) Here we are running true to form fighting on Christmas just like we always do.

(Harry) Look, I don't know what it is but it always happens on Christmas, it always happens.

Every Christmas it happens.

You say something, then I say something -and then it happens!

-Oh, no that's not the way it happens, the way it happens is you say something first and then I say something and then it happens!

(Harry) What's the difference!

It happened!

And that's not what was going to happen because I got news for you, it's never going to happen on Christmas again.

Never, we're never going to argue on Christmas no more.

-No more.

-Why?

-You want to know why?

-Yes.

(Harry) Cause for now on we're going to have separate Christmases.

-Separate Christmases?

-My Christmas for now on is going to be on the Fourth of July.

Don't say Merry Christmas to me now or I'll throw a firecracker at yah!

(laughing) (Lilian) Don't be ridiculous.

Why don't we just forget it happened?

Let's just sit here and enjoy the tree, okay!

(laughing) -Are you enjoying the tree?

-I'm enjoying the tree.

(Lilian) It's a beautiful tree.

-Yeah, it is.

It's a nice tree.

-I think it's the nicest tree -on the block.

-Yeah.

I'll be sorry when it has to come down, huh.

(Lilian) What do you mean it has to come down?

(Harry) You know, honey.

In a few days it has to come down.

-That's it, you know.

-That tree comes down -when I say it comes down.

-When do you deem -that the tree will be down?

-I deem that the tree will be down about some time in April.

(Harry) Oh, then you might as well leave it up for my Christmas, -the Fourth of July.

-Now you're getting crazy.

(Harry) So I'm crazy.

Look, Lilian, this happens every year.

-You've gotta let that tree go!

-Look, you want it down, -I want it up, right?

-Right.

(Lilian) So we'll compromise.

We'll leave it up until it dies.

(Harry) Lilian, who are you kidding?

-It's a plastic tree.

-I know.

(laughing) (Harry) Look, Lilian, if you don't like the gift that I gave you then take it back!

That's what you always do!

You don't like the gift!

That's the way you want to get into fights.

That's the way you want everything.

-Take back the gift.

-Gift!

Who's talking about gifts?

I love the gift you gave me.

I wouldn't take it back.

I absolutely love it!

(Harry) Sure.

-You got the receipt?

-Right here.

Harry, you know it's happening again.

We said we weren't going to let it happen.

(Harry) You're right.

When you're right, you're right.

Look, let's not argue.

We're not going to argue, that's it.

(Lilian) I won't argue because it's Christmas.

(Harry) It is Christmas and because it's Christmas let's not argue because if we argue all now we won't have anything left to argue on New Year's Eve.

(Lilian) I don't even want to argue New Year's Eve, sweetheart.

No, it's not worth it.

Then I'd wind up kissing your mother again.

(laughing) -Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

(applauding) ♪ (upbeat jazz music) ♪ (Carol singing) ♪ Christmas is a time for sharing ♪ ♪ Whether you're a tot or fully grown ♪ (Ella singing) ♪ Christmas is a time for caring ♪ (singing in unison) ♪ So how come we're just sitting here alone ♪ ♪ (Ella singing) ♪ What good is a gal without a guy ♪ ♪ (Carol singing) ♪ What good is the Earth without the sky ♪ ♪ (Ella singing) ♪ You don't need a telephone ♪ ♪ Without someone to call your own ♪ (singing in unison) ♪ What good is a gal without a guy ♪ ♪ (Carol singing) ♪ What good is a face without a smile ♪ (Ella singing) ♪ A frown is disturbing after a while ♪ (Carol singing) ♪ What good is a table set for two ♪ (Ella singing) ♪ If no guy is sitting there with you ♪ (singing in unison) ♪ What good is a Christmas night ♪ ♪ If no one's here to hold you tight ♪ (Carol) ♪ What good is a gal without a guy ♪ (Ella singing) ♪ A guy ♪ (Carol singing) ♪ A guy, oh I get along without 'em very well ♪ (Ella) ♪ Of course you do ♪ (Carol singing) ♪ The gentleman is a dope ♪ ♪ A man of many faults ♪ ♪ A clumsy Joe who wouldn't know a rumba from a waltz ♪ (Ella singing) ♪ The gentleman is a dope ♪ ♪ And not my cup of tea ♪ ♪ Why am I crying my eyes out ♪ ♪ He doesn't belong to me ♪ (Carol singing) ♪ I'll go my way by myself ♪ ♪ Love is only a dance ♪ (Ella signing) ♪ I'll go my way by myself ♪ ♪ This is the end of romance ♪ (singing in unison) ♪ I'll face the unknown ♪ ♪ I'll build a world of my own ♪ (Ella singing) ♪ No one knows better than I, myself ♪ ♪ I'm by myself, alone ♪ (Carol singing) ♪ Down with love, the flowers and rice and shoes ♪ (Ella singing) ♪ Down with love ♪ ♪ The root of the midnight blues ♪ (Carol singing) ♪ Down with things that give you well-known ping ♪ (Ella singing) ♪ Take that moon and wrap it in cellophane ♪ (singing in union) ♪ Away, take it away ♪ ♪ Give it back to the birds and the bees ♪ ♪ And the Viennese ♪ (Carol singing) ♪ Down with eyes romantic and stupid ♪ (Ella singing) ♪ Down with songs, down with Cupid ♪ (singing in unison) ♪ Brother let's stuff that dove down with love ♪ (Carol singing) ♪ Cause I get along without it very well ♪ (Ella singing) ♪ Of course you do ♪ (Carol singing) ♪ Except when snowflakes fall ♪ ♪ At Christmas time then I recall ♪ ♪ Joey, Joey, Joey ♪ (Ella singing) ♪ Who said that happiness is just a think called Joe ♪ (Carol singing) ♪ Then away went Bill ♪ ♪ Who's not my type at all ♪ (Ella singing) ♪ So don't you come home, Bill Bailey ♪ ♪ Don't you come home ♪ ♪ You know you've done her wrong ♪ (Carol singing) ♪ But I'm still wild about Harry ♪ ♪ Whatever happened to Harry ♪ (Ella singing) ♪ Haven't you heard ♪ ♪ Well, I hate to be the first one to tell you, dear ♪ ♪ Oh, the shark has pearly teeth, dear ♪ ♪ And he shows them pearly white ♪ ♪ Just a jackknife has old MacHeath, dear♪ ♪ And he keeps it out of sight ♪ (Carol) What's that gotta do with Harry?

(Ella) I don't know.

(Ella singing) ♪ When the shark bites ♪ ♪ With his teeth, dear ♪ ♪ Scarlet billows start to spread ♪ ♪ Fancy gloves, oh ♪ ♪ Wears MacHeath, dear ♪ ♪ So there's not a trace of red ♪ -Harry's dead?

-♪ No, just a little scratch ♪ ♪ Some tiny cuts ♪ (Carol singing) ♪ Come on back, Harry, no if's or but's ♪ ♪ Cause what good is a Christmas tree and snow ♪ (Ella singing) ♪ Without a guy to kiss you 'neath that mistletoe ♪ ♪ (singing in unison) ♪ Saint Nicholas, we'll agree ♪ ♪ The only present that we need ♪ ♪ Is something that's in very short supply ♪ ♪ What good is a gal without a ♪ ♪ What good is a gal without a ♪ ♪ What good is a gal without a ♪ ♪ Guy ♪ ♪ Deck the halls with lots of fellas ♪ ♪ (applauding) (Carol singing off-tune) (dramatic music) (Lyle) Metro Golden Mouth presents A Joseph.

E. Lecher Production of lust, passion and messing around in Ancient Rome.

Fiddler on the Forum.

Starting Ursula Undress, Warren Body, Raquel Wench and Sex Harrison as the Dirty Old Emperor.

This picture is recommended for Victor Mature audiences only.

(rhythmic music) ♪ Enough!

Enough!

Enough!

This is the last dance.

♪ Come here thou wenches and kiss Emperor Lascivious.

Mighty ruler of the Empire, noble leader of all Romans and a great swinger.

(laughing) (solider) Hail to the Empress Passionata.

♪ (horn blaring) (laughing) (Empress) Thanks to thee, boys.

(laughing) Lascivious, Lascivious, knock off the lechery.

(Emperor) Oh, all right.

Split, girls.

(Empress) You too, honey, he means you too.

(wench) Yes, sir.

(laughing) (Emperor) You seemed troubled, Passionata, -is something-- -Oh, I am bored, bored, bored -bored, bored, bored, bored.

-Hm, let's go to the games at the colosseum-- I said, let's go to the games at the colosseum.

It's a big afternoon.

Charlton Heston versus the Christian All-Stars.

(horn blaring) (Empress) Stop it!

-What is it, slave?

-The slaves are revolting.

(Emperor) I know, I've seen them.

(laughing) (Slave) We captured their leader.

-He was carrying these signs.

-"Get our legions out of South Gaul."

Why the very gall.

-Bring in the ding-a-ling.

-Police brutality!

Police brutality!

Police brutality!

Police brutality!

Rome is nothing but a police state.

-Traitor!

-How dare you address yourself -thus to thy emperor.

-I thus dare this thus to myself thee.

A man can no longer kill and rob without being pushed around.

I too, demand protection.

Get me a cop.

-Hi.

-You a cop?

(Empress) No.

What is thy name, handsome traitor?

(Sidney) Oh, uh, my name?

My name is Caesar.

(Emperor) Don't get funny.

Why is thy true name?

(Sidney) Oh, all right, then call me Sidney.

I uh, I'm a slave and a serf.

-And where are you from?

-Surf City.

(laughing) (Emperor) Pay homage to the thrown, slave.

(Sidney) Nay, I would ever pay homage to the corruption and vice.

I would never bow to you who indulge in lechery and debauchery and kissing and staying out late and holding hands and all that naughtiness -that goes around here, oh!

-I am the emperor!

And thou must prostate thyself at my feet.

(laughing) (Empress) Hi.

Yeah, you.

-Embrace me.

-No, no and nay.

You are--you are a great empress and I am nothing but a great slave.

(Empress) I command you.

Embrace me.

-Okay.

-Ow!

Will you get rid -of those chains?

-I cannot get rid of them.

-I was born with these chains.

-Well, take them off.

(Sidney) I never thought about that.

(laughing) Wow!

Wow, this feels great.

-Oh, what a physique.

-Oh, jeepers.

(Empress) Oh, how did you ever get such gorgeous muscles?

(Sidney) Well, you see, we slaves, we work out a lot.

We have to carry you around and all of that.

-Boy.

-Sidney?

-Yes.

-Tell me something.

-Yes, Empress.

-How would you and your biceps -like to rule Rome?

-Me?

A Roman Emperor.

No, I am too uncorruptible and besides, I don't even have a high school diploma.

I flunked Latin.

(Empress) But I could tutor you, I could show you how to live -like an emperor.

-No, I am a slave.

I know nothing.

I know nothing but nothingness.

-Nothingness.

-Would you learn to enjoy it?

How about a grape?

(laughing) It's okay, Sid, how about a grape.

-What's a grape?

-It goes in your mouth.

-What's a mouth?

-Right there.

-What do you do with it?

-Chew.

(Sidney) Wow, that's great.

(Empress) Now how about a pillow?

(Sidney) A pillow?

Hm.

(laughing) That's too dry, no.

-Now Sidney, kiss me.

-No, no, I am too poor.

(Empress) Sidney, I command you to kiss me -and an empire is yours.

-Empire just for a few kisses?

-That's it.

-Oh, well, why not?

(Emperor) What's going on?

Who's making love on me?

Oh, you!

You sneaky slave.

What are the charges against this pinko?

(Empress) Hm, well, let's see.

He slit the throat of a Roman General, he set fire to the forum, he poured poison in the aqueduct and he chiseled obscenities in the Roman bathhouse.

(Sidney) That's not bad for a high school dropout, is it?

(Emperor) Guards!

Take this dog out.

Tie him to a chariot and have him dragged to his death.

(Sidney) No, wait!

Maybe a warning, maybe a fine.

-Something like that.

-Enough!

The Emperor doesn't make deals, swine.

(Empress) Lascivious, give him a chance.

-Let him fight Manglius.

-Manglius?

-Yeah.

-Yes, who's Manglius?

(Empress) Oh, he's just the most vicious gladiator in all of Rome.

He killed over 1,000 people last year.

(Sidney) Well, that's okay.

It's better than the chariot.

The chariot is going to be one long drag, that's it.

(Emperor) It shall be done, it shall be done.

-Manglius!

-Manglius, I'll have a chance with him, I'll have a big chance with him because the chariot will be just scrapping and I'll be dead.

But this way I can at least have a chance to smack him, you know.

I'll get in a lucky punch and smash him, that's it.

This is better than a chariot.

(laughing) Is that chariot ride still open?

(Empress) No, wait, wait, Sidney, you must fight Manglius.

-For your own people!

-It's not worth it, no.

(Empress) Well, if not, think of the luxury.

Think of the grapes and the pillows.

(Sidney) The grapes are good but the pillows are very dry.

(Empress) Then do it, do it for the grapes.

(Sidney) I'll do it for the grapes.

-Thou hast a great sword there.

-Quiet, swine.

I am about to slash thee from head to tow.

Prepare to defend thy self.

En garde.

(Sidney) Hold on, hold on, wait.

I appeal to your sense of fair play.

At least help me with the sword to get it up.

(grunting) (laughing) Thou hast a lot to learn about dirty fighting.

(laughing) (Emperor) Ugh!

That's straight madness!

You shall pay for this!

(Sidney) No, no, I hate violence, I don't-- (grunting) Boy, I got you right in there.

I didn't want to do this, your Empress--your Emperor, I beg you.

(laughing) (Empress) Oh, Sidney, you've done it!

Rome is ours!

From now on the Empire belongs to just you and me.

-You and me, Sidney.

-Rome!

Rome is ours!

-Yes!

-You and me, that's all.

It's all ours.

Rome, Rome is yours and mine!

We don't have to worry about anything!

It's just yours and mine!

Hey!

(laughing) -Hey, Sid, are you finished?

-Yeah.

-So am I.

-Oh, watch yourself.

Don't get hurt.

Now, now I am an emperor.

I am the Emperor, send out for some decadents and vice and a couple of big name bands.

All right, the palace is wide open.

-Let's start swinging!

-No, wait, wait, Sidney, wait.

(Sidney) Hold the swinging, hold the swinging.

(Empress) I must talk to you.

Think of the future of the Empire, it all depends upon you and your people, Sidney.

-You must not be corrupted.

-I will not be corrupted.

(Empress) Then I die happy.

Sidney, put the knife away before you hurt somebody.

(laughing) (Sidney speaking Latin) -What does that mean?

-What she doesn't know won't hurt her, let's go!

(upbeat music) ♪ (applauding) (jazzy music) ♪ (yawning) (applauding) (soft music) ♪ (laughing) ♪ (bucket rumbling) ♪ (church bells dinging) (Christmas bell music) ♪ ♪ Have yourself a merry little Christmas ♪ ♪ Let your heart be light ♪ ♪ Next year all our troubles will be out of sight ♪ ♪ ♪ So have yourself a merry little Christmas ♪ ♪ Make the yule-tide gay ♪ ♪ Next year all our troubles will be miles away ♪ ♪ ♪ Once again as in olden days ♪ ♪ Happy golden days of yore ♪ ♪ Faithful friends who were dear to us ♪ ♪ Will be near to us once more ♪ ♪ Someday soon we all will be together ♪ ♪ If the fates allow ♪ ♪ Until then we'll have to muddle through somehow ♪ ♪ So have yourself ♪ ♪ A merry little Christmas ♪ ♪ Now ♪ ♪ (applauding) ♪ (upbeat theme music) ♪ (Lyle) The Jungle Book animal costumes, courtesy of Disneyland.

♪ (bright music)